I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You made out with two different species that night
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
