i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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