this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
