His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
