Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
PS: I just woke up from my shower
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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