Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
