I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
