Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
