The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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