They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
