Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
