If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
