sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
