There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
