awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
