She said her name was "party"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
