I'm so fucking centered right now
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
