The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
