When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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