haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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