saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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