I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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