I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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