Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
