you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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