i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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