I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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