i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
