I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize