I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
