So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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