I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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