I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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