he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
