man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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