Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
