I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
