True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
