whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Im part way to drunk.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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