Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize