It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
