You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
