The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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