goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
