last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
