Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
