just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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