can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
