I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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