I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
