he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
