I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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