I'd wear matching sweaters with you
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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