My first STD was from a foam party
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
