Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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