Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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