i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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