Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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