I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
