omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You are the jesus of drinking
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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