New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
