I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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