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• (704): View more from North Carolina

  dude, you're being a jerk.

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney

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• (817): View more from Texas

  I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.

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• (631): View more from New York

  I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.

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• (302): View more from Delaware

  he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.

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• (818): View more from California

  ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.

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• (505): View more from New Mexico

  Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message

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• (312): View more from Illinois

  Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog

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• (707): View more from California

  you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?

  (1-707): View more from California

  yeah, you wanna come?

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• (909): View more from California

  Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions

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• (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding

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• (616): View more from Michigan

  I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?

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• (573): View more from Missouri

  He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.

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• (908): View more from New Jersey

  I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC

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• (239): View more from Florida

  So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita

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• (858): View more from California

  Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.

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