I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
