Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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