I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'm at about main and main street
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
