I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
