he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
