No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
