i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
