He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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