I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
